5 Reasons Not To Be a Penis:
First of all, you're bald your entire life.
Second, you have a hole in your head.
Third, you live between two nuts.
Fourth, an asshole lives behind you.
Finally, when you get excited, you throw up and then you faint.
Woman who put detergent on top shelf jump for Joy.
Man who run behind bus get exhausted.
Man who fish in other's
hole often catch crabs.
Girl who go on camping trip must beware of evil intent.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who sit on thumb tack get point.
House without bathroom is uncanny.
Man who pull out too soon leave rubber behind.
Man who pull woman's bra strap may get bust in face.
Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge.
Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind on his orders.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who lie around all day playing with tool not necessarily mechanic.
Man who sneeze without hanky take matter into own hands.
Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
Man who always show off get shown up in showdown.
Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.
Man who gets kicked in testicles left holding the bag.
It takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Man who snort Coke get bubbles up nose.
Man who eat crackers in bed, have crummy sleep.
Man who put cream in tart not always baker.
Woman who spend much time on bedspring get offspring.
Man who fart in church have to sit in own pew.
Man who want pretty nurse got to be patient.
Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose.
Never trust man with short legs - brains too near bottom.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden
and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but
I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an
enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All
in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and
more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a
ball about and hunting fleet footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But,
you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They are usually intended for children, but it' s the men who usually
end up playing with them.
What can a bird do that a man can't?
Whistle through his pecker.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Why does it take a million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't stop and ask directions.
Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to put them in.
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls falls over their assholes and they vapor lock.
Why were men given bigger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at partys.
Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
So he can tell if he is coming or going.
Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?
It turns your hard drive into a 3-3/4 inch floppy.
Why is a man 40% smarter while having sex?
Because he is plugged into a woman.
A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had
spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun
when an old flea friend of his stumbled down the beach.
"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea,
because Oscar looked
terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and
his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here
by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some
more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at
the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air
Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm
ride. Got it?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later,
while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should
he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the
stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made
a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."
"And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"