5 Reasons Not To Be a Penis:

First of all, you're bald your entire life.

Second, you have a hole in your head.

Third, you live between two nuts.

Fourth, an asshole lives behind you.

Finally, when you get excited, you throw up and then you faint.

Confucius Say....


 Woman who put detergent on top shelf jump for Joy.

 Man who run behind bus get exhausted.

 Man who fish in other's hole often catch crabs.

 Girl who go on camping trip must beware of evil intent.

 Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

 Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

 Man who run in front of car get tired.

 Man who sit on thumb tack get point.

 House without bathroom is uncanny.

  Man who pull out too soon leave rubber behind.

  Man who pull woman's bra strap may get bust in face.

  Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

  Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

  Girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge.

  Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

  Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind on his orders.

  Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

  Man who lie around all day playing with tool not necessarily mechanic.

  Man who sneeze without hanky take matter into own hands.

  Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.

  Man who always show off get shown up in showdown.

  Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion.

  Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

  Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.

  Man who gets kicked in testicles left holding the bag.

  It takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.

  Man who snort Coke get bubbles up nose.

  Man who eat crackers in bed, have crummy sleep.

  Man who put cream in tart not always baker.

  Woman who spend much time on bedspring get offspring.

  Man who fart in church have to sit in own pew.

  Man who want pretty nurse got to be patient.

  Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

  Never trust man with short legs - brains too near bottom.

Policies

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her
hair smells nice.  The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office
and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong
with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice."
The woman replies, "He's a midget."

 Simply put...

 An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at
 different levels, some climbing up.  The monkeys on top look down and see
 a tree full of smiling faces.  The monkeys on the bottom look up and see
 nothing but assholes.

Garden of Eden

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a
  problem!"
 "What's the problem, Eve?"
 "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden
 and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but
 I'm just not happy."
 "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
 "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
 "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
 you."
 "What's a 'man', Lord?"
 "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an
 enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All
 in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and
 more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a
 ball about and hunting fleet footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in
 the sack."
 "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
 "Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But,
 you can have him on one condition."
 "What's that, Lord?"
 "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

SUPERMAN!!

Superman was feeling bored after a long break from crime fighting and wanted
to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club
and pick up some girls.

Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.

A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers.

Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if
she was free.

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her
legs open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet,
I could be in there, have sex and be out again before she knows what's
happening." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flies off happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman says, "Did you hear anything?"

"No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my butt hurts like hell!"

Chocolate is Better Than Sex Because:

1. You can actually GET chocolate.
2. If you love me you'll swallow that! has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word commitment doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good

30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man
  
  1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
  2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
  3. Why don't we just cuddle?
  4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
  5. Make it dance.
  6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
  7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
  8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
  9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
  10. Oh no... a flash headache.
  11. (giggle and point)
  12. Can I be honest with you?
  13. How sweet, you brought incense.
  14. This explains your car.
  15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
  16. Why is God punishing me?
  17. At least this won't take long.
  18. I never saw one like that before.
  19. But it still works, right?
  20. It looks so unused.
  21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
  22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
  23. Are you cold?
  24. If you get me real drunk first.
  25. Is that an optical illusion?
  26. What is that?
  27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
  28. Does it come with an air pump?
  29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
  30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird

WHY?

What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They are usually intended for children, but it' s the men who usually
end up playing with them.

What can a bird do that a man can't?
Whistle through his pecker.

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why does it take a million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't stop and ask directions.

Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to put them in.

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls falls over their assholes and they vapor lock.

Why were men given bigger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at partys.

Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
So he can tell if he is coming or going.

Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?
It turns your hard drive into a 3-3/4 inch floppy.

Why is a man 40% smarter while having sex?
Because he is plugged into a woman.

You just don't see hitchhikers like this anymore!!!

Subject: Fleas


  A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had
  spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun
  when an old flea friend of his stumbled down the beach.

  "Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked
  terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and
  his teeth chattering.

  "I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here
  by motorcycle.  I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

  "Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some
  more suntan oil on his shoulders.  "You go to the stewardess lounge at
  the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air
  Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm
  ride. Got it?"

  So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later,
  while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should
  he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.

  "Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said.  I made it to the
  stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made
  a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."

  "And so?" asked the first flea.

  "And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"

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